Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
