I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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