She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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