You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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