it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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