I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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