I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
