Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
