Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize