That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
worst night to have a conscience
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
