I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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