she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
