I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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