I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
