I puked a lego.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
