i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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