he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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