the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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