last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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