Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
