i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
