Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize