I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
