Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
