Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
