I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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