I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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