he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize