she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
