The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
