Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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