Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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