he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
