: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
