I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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