3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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