He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
