I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
tell me about the eggs
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