yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
