yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
