I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
