don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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