genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
