If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
