yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
