my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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