my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
