I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
