It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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