i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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