Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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