i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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