she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
