I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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