no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
