meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You work out of a Hotel?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
