nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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