there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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