FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
