I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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