I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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