he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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