This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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