I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
