2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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