I met the friendliest cop last night
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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