I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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