and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
